Let’s name them.
The Surveillance Manager
Can’t sleep unless they know what everyone’s doing.
Installs tracking software. Requires cameras on. Counts keystrokes.
Treats employees like suspects.
Creates exactly the disengagement they’re trying to prevent.
They’ll tell you it’s about “accountability.”
It’s about control.
They don’t trust their team and lack the courage to admit it.
The Hybrid Hypocrite
Says “we’re remote-friendly” while every important decision happens in a conference room.
Remote workers dial into meetings where half the participants are a blurry mass on a TV screen.
Promotions go to people who “show up.”
Career advancement requires relocation.
They want the recruiting benefits of remote without the commitment.
They’re lying to candidates and themselves.
The Return-to-Office Revanchist
Spent millions on office space.
Built their identity around walking the floor.
Genuinely believes that proximity equals productivity, despite all evidence.
When things go wrong, they blame remote.
When remote teams succeed, they credit “the culture we built in person.”
They’ll drag everyone back the moment they think they can get away with it.
The Meeting Maximalist
Fills calendars because empty space feels dangerous.
Calls a meeting to discuss what could be an email.
Calls another meeting to follow up on the first meeting.
Mistakes synchronous time for collaboration.
They confuse activity with progress.
Their teams are exhausted and nothing ships.
The Tool Hoarder
New tool for every problem.
Slack for chat.
Teams for video.
Notion for docs.
Asana for tasks.
Monday for projects.
Confluence for wikis.
Loom for updates.
Nobody knows where anything is.
Half the tools overlap.
Information is scattered across twelve services.
They’ll add a thirteenth before consolidating.
The Presence Performer
Always online.
First to respond.
Last to log off.
Green dot permanently lit.
Sends messages at midnight to demonstrate dedication.
They’ve confused visibility with value.
They’re teaching their team that performance theater matters more than actual performance.
You probably recognized someone. Maybe yourself.
That’s okay. Awareness is the first step.
Now stop being the villain.